Why are we afraid of responsibility in relationships?

[Guest]

First, let’s figure out what "responsibility" is. If we turn to dictionaries, then responsibility is the ability to calculate the consequences of one’s actions and make decisions on these actions.[/b] If a person realizes that his action will lead to something negative, but still consciously decides to do it, this means that he is acting responsibly. But in everyday life, by responsibility we mean completely different things, often using this word in different meanings. What meanings we put into this word often have to be understood from the context of our words, and it can be aggressive.
We can replace our demands with words about responsibility ( “You have to do this,” or “I want you to do this,” or accusations (“You owe me, but I don’t get it from you.”). This is done in cases where we cannot directly say about our requirements. This often happens when we are afraid that we will be rejected. Or if we have the conviction that we do not have the right to directly state our desires.
At the same time, our desires still try to manifest themselves. It is then that we remember the word “responsibility” and begin to replace our desires with rules: “A man should,” etc. And we hope that our partner will follow these rules. This can be compared with the behavior of children who, in a dispute, call their parents for help and threaten with the following phrases:"Now mom will arrange it for you!", "Now you will get it from my dad!" etc. And this technique really works, the opponent in the dispute gets scared and begins to feel guilty.
That is why no one likes to talk about responsibility. Nobody likes to feel guilt, shame and fear. Nobody likes to be manipulated, and conversations about responsibility often imply manipulation. Manipulation is often not realized by any of the participants in the quarrel. Often emotions do not fully understand the meaning of what one participant says to the other. What is the partner’s responsibility at the moment? The fact that he did not help, did not protect or did not fulfill what he promised. What can he do in this situation? Yes, in general, nothing.
Participants in a quarrel do not understand that they are driven by emotions - resentment or anger. And the main requirement of one partner from the other is comfort. Often one person tells another that he is to blame and that nothing can be fixed. In this situation, the other person wants to leave, slamming the door, but this will give rise to new accusations. Anyone who accuses another of irresponsibility often takes as his assistant the shame of the accused. But this does not solve the conflict.
Therefore, instead of shaming your loved ones and hiding behind responsibility, it is better to talk to them about the rules. The rules can be clarified and changed if both parties agree to this. You can generally refuse some rules, but of course with mutual consent. Responsibility does not exist at all, it always faces someone. If we are talking about parents, then it exists - in relation to the child. A mother is responsible only to her child, and not to anyone else.
If we talk about a man’s responsibility, then this is a responsibility to a specific woman with whom he has a relationship. The couple agrees on the distribution of responsibilities: who makes the money? Who does household chores? Who supports whom in difficult situations?
Situations always arise that require new agreements, but we must clearly remember that we do not owe anything to "all men "or "to society as a whole". Therefore, if in a conflict situation you hear the word "responsibility", ask what the person specifically from you wants. Most likely satisfying desires.
Today I realized that I am no longer interested in revealing questions that they ask me during consultations, and which I study for myself. I want something deep, psychological, something that will blow my mind, or something creative and interesting. But for now my energy is focused on other aspects of my life, so for now we have what we have.I hope inspiration and new ideas will come into my life.Thank you for your attention and for being with me!