We need advice from the initiated.

[Ketzer]

Good afternoon.

I am 33 years old. Of which, I have been in a relationship for the last 8 years. 5 years of marriage, 3 years of marriage. Now divorced due to infidelity. It so happened that I am an extremely reserved person in relationships with women, low-passionate, low-emotional. There were only 2 girls in my life. The first relationship lasted 2 years. Ended in betrayal and betrayal. The second ones mentioned above are 8 years. Ended in betrayal and betrayal. I understand my mistakes regarding women. I understand these betrayals. Not all women are able to live in an emotional winter with a cold but reliable man. I had practically no fetishes except the smell of perfume and voice, and even more so deviations. But after the divorce, I live in serious conflict with myself. To what oblivion in terms of sexual arousal does the thought and picture in the head of an ex-wife having sex with someone bring? The dirtier the course of action, the more the blood boils in the veins and the heart beats from the fly. This causes internal conflict. I have severed contact with the person and am not going to start communicating. Who has been in a similar situation, how to get out of these thoughts and remove the conflict with your own morality and ethics?

[LadyAutumn]

Not all women are able to live in an emotional winter with a cold but reliable man.

You just probably haven’t met anyone who can live like that. A little unlucky, yes

how to get out of these thoughts and remove the conflict with your own ethics and ethics?

In my opinion, with these questions it is more logical to seek help from specialists in psychology, and not to anonymous people from an Internet forum about sex.

Try to forget everything that happened in past, completely switching to something else... work, hobbies, sports. Completely load yourself with something so that there is no time for these thoughts, memories and reflections.

[Viar]

Men are all owners, I understand how you feel. It’s hard, but we have to move on, draw conclusions and maybe forgive.

[Ketzer]

This is the point: my life, in principle, now consists of work. Quite complicated. And I have no need for internal conflicts. I was thinking about going to a specialist. But there are 2 problems: 1. I’m damn ashamed to voice this even to a person who has never heard anything like that 2. I’m extremely curious about other people’s experiences of similar experiences and their comparison with my own, I mean how people came to this and got rid of it
You know, this is a kind of discovery for yourself - to acquire a certain fetish. But I don’t want it to conflict with a person.

[Hammer]

Man, what initiates? What kind of pompous style is this? What you write about yourself is sad. Try to find yourself an introverted and asexual gray mouse.

[LadyAutumn]

1.I’m damn ashamed to voice this even to a person who has never heard such things

Here you just need to overcome your shame and turn to a specialist. These people have heard other things, as you yourself said, so it seems to me there is nothing to be ashamed of.

2. I am extremely curious about other people’s experiences of similar experiences and their comparison with my own, I mean how people came to this and got rid of it

The likelihood of finding such people here is extremely small. Maybe I’m wrong, of course, but there would be a better chance on specialized psychological forums. There are too many "author’s fantasies" presented as reality.

You know, it’s a kind of discovery for yourself - to acquire a certain fetish. But you don’t want him to conflict with a person.

Why are you waiting for an obligatory conflict with a person?

[Ketzer]

Man, what initiates? What kind of pompous style is this? What you write about yourself is sad. Try to find yourself a similar gray mouse, an introvert and an asexual.

I address you as best I can. By initiates I meant men who faced a similar situation and came out of it or fell under its influence.

Sent after 5 minutes 7 seconds:

Why are you waiting for an obligatory conflict with a person?

Well, because the conflict already takes place. To put it mildly, sympathy and psychosexual reaction to a certain image and thought in the head are extremely inconsistent with the internal understanding of morality and morality. I decided to ask this question on this forum because after looking through I found quite a lot of descriptions of such events, but these are examples of men who followed their inclination. I am more interested in the stories of people who encountered but rejected this innovation in themselves. But apparently, you are right, there will be no easy way here and you will have to go to specialists. Apparently, my choice of the simple path was extremely futile.

[Fat man]

Yes man. I feel sorry for you, you wouldn’t wish it on your enemy.

[silver_fox]

IMHO, there was no need to get a divorce: she went to the left in order to at least add some spice to the relationship. Living with a dead fish is noticeably below average pleasure...

[baltic]

You’re not the only one. I had a mistress, married. When asked why you need this, in the sense of having a lover on the side, she answered: “My husband is normal, reliable, has enough money. He loves me, but sex with him is so boring.” They lived in marriage for 16 years and she always had a lover for side. It all ended the same way as yours. Her husband found our correspondence, very frank correspondence, and filed for divorce.

[Mishanja11]

Ketzer,
Hey buddy! I know what you mean. I had the most awesome long-term relationship with my beloved at the age of 25, she was 22. At first they secluded themselves when someone had a place at home, then they lived on the set and so on for three years. Such was the sex, simply enchanting, to the point of semi-consciousness, very often we ended up together, very violently. They kissed and licked every part of each other’s body, especially me, it didn’t even bother me if she wasn’t washed. The love was simply ardent and seemed even mutually sincere, it was just hanging on me. And I never expected that this relationship would end in one day, and even with betrayal... I was ready to kill and leave myself, I felt sorry for my parents, they wouldn’t survive this. Then there was booze, years of booze, job losses, I fucked up my profession and career. Then he tried to start a relationship again, lived with girls twice for three years each, there were several one-time relationships, but everything was purely domestic and purely to fuck according to need. Until now, before my eyes and in my soul, SHE, the same one, every day! Now I’m 41. I’m surprised I haven’t lost my head yet. Now I’m no longer looking for anyone, I realized the futility.

[Fan96]

What is your conflict? You got divorced, now she is free to fuck with whoever she wants. You need to look for your new passion, close in temperament and psychotype.

Sent after 2 minutes 15 seconds:

Now I’m no longer looking for anyone, I realized the uselessness.

nBut this is in vain.

[LadyAutumn]

To put it mildly, sympathy and psychosexual reaction to a certain image and thought in the head are extremely inconsistent with the internal understanding of morality and morality.

Push this particular "image " (and all the negativity associated with it) into the far corner of the [sub]consciousness? Yes, it’s not easy, and maybe even on your own you won’t be able to do it. But it’s either this, or shut up and suffer.

IMHO, there was no need to get a divorce: she went to the left in order to at least add some spice to the relationship.

So where is the guarantee that in the future she would stop walking to the left if

The pleasure of living with a dead fish is noticeably below average...

?

[Anatoly]

All wishes and deviations are discussed during the candy-bouquet period and there will be no problems

[LadyAutumn]

All desires and deviations are discussed during the candy-bouquet period and there will be no problems

In an ideal world, yes it is. In reality, it doesn’t always work. None of the "partners" is immune from the fact that he will not have any new "desires and deviations" quite a long time after the end of the candy-bouquet period.

[Ketzer]

You are not the only one. I had a mistress, married. When asked why you need this, in the sense of having a lover on the side, she answered: “My husband is normal, reliable, has enough money. He loves me, but sex with him is so boring.” They lived in marriage for 16 years and she always had a lover for side. It all ended the same way as yours. Her husband found our correspondence, very frank correspondence, and filed for divorce.

Well, the role of “breadwinner” does not flatter me at all. The model of relationships where “I love too much therefore I forgive” is not for me. There are no children, so the decision came naturally. I parted with the understanding of where my fault is and where it is.

[silver_fox]

And yet, once you’ve gotten along with a lady, be interesting, even if you haven’t had children. By the way, why? Are there problems or was there no desire/opportunity?

[Alex366]

Not all girls want children

[Sweet pepper]

Not all women are able to live in an emotional winter with a cold but reliable man.

You just probably haven’t met anyone who can live like that . A little unlucky, yes

how to get out of these thoughts and remove the conflict with your own ethics and ethics?

In my opinion, with these questions it is more logical to seek help from specialists in psychology, and not to anonymous people from an Internet forum about sex.

Try to forget everything that happened in in the past, completely switching to something else... work, hobbies, sports. Completely load yourself with something so that there is no time for these thoughts, memories and reflections.

Lady Autumn, not a winter nickname at all)))

[Ketzer]

And yet, once you’ve gotten along with a lady, be interesting, even if you haven’t had children. By the way, why? Are there any problems or was there no desire/opportunity?

I work in the field of foreign economic activity and international trade, logistics. She is in the security forces. Both decided to build a career and get on their feet. Both are from not particularly wealthy families, to put it mildly. She is 5 years younger than me. She received an education - a diploma with honors. I have a tower and also underwent additional certification and training. We are both careerists and workaholics. It didn’t work out to be interesting. I am one of those men who is more loyal than a dog, but at the same time no more fun than an aquarium fish. Stable but boring.

[silver_fox]

And yet, once you’ve gotten along with a lady, be interesting, even if you haven’t had children. By the way, why? Are there any problems or was there no desire/opportunity?

I work in the field of foreign economic activity and international trade, logistics. She is in the security forces. Both decided to build a career and get on their feet. Both are from not particularly wealthy families, to put it mildly. She is 5 years younger than me. She received an education - a diploma with honors. I have a tower and also underwent additional certification and training. We are both careerists and workaholics. It didn’t work out to be interesting. I am one of those men who is more loyal than a dog, but at the same time no more fun than an aquarium fish. Stable but boring.

Oh, this changes things radically! You then initially had to stipulate that your marriage was a purely “career” event; Then there would be no disappointments and blemishes on your career in the form of divorce! Well, like, you live under the same roof, help each other out for career reasons, save on consumables, etc. - but don’t owe each other anything else! Neither fidelity, nor children, nor even mutual inheritance - so that in general everything would be according to "Feng Shui". By the way, you can still "remove differences" on this basis - it will be a plus for your career, if even after quarreling with your spouses, you were able to do the impossible and resume "cooperation".
Just don’t have children - People like you shouldn’t breed.

[Sibiryak89]

It was like this, I switched completely to work and sports and women, fucked everyone who gave, who didn’t give, seduced, after about a year or a little less it calmed down and was forgotten. Time is the best healer, now I remember why I was so killed? Patience and good luck

[Ketzer]

Just don’t have children - people like you shouldn’t breed

Amazing rudeness from a stranger, and even a woman. I will definitely consult with you in my next relationship.

[silver_fox]

Just don’t have children - you don’t need to breed people like you

Amazing rudeness from a stranger, and even a woman. I will definitely consult with you in the next relationship.

This is not rudeness, but an attempt to protect people like you and society itself from you, nothing more. Just try to ask yourself the question, WHAT is a career for? Just like that, a career - for the sake of a career - WHY? However, you both found yourself in this chimerical idea, no?
Society is already painful - there’s nowhere else to go, why complicate everything even more?

[Hammer]

Now what do you want? Specifically in simple words. Get back together with your ex, find another woman? Do you know the fundamental difference between a smart person and a stupid one? A smart person looks forward, makes plans and tries to implement them. A stupid person constantly looks back and dwells on negative experiences.

[Ketzer]

07 Dec 2022, 10:57

What do you want now? Specifically in simple words. Get back together with your ex, find another woman? Do you know the fundamental difference between a smart person and a stupid one? A smart person looks forward, makes plans and tries to implement them. A stupid person constantly looks back and dwells on negative experiences

Understand yourself through the experiences of other people. This new feature, if I may say so, libido, is an alien element to my life. I think it’s most likely a product of emotional stress. Perhaps I’m worrying in vain and this will all go away.

[alex503311]

It happened like this, I switched completely to work and sports and women, fucked everyone who gave, who didn’t give, seduced, after about a year or a little less it calmed down and was forgotten. Time is the best healer, now I remember why I was so killed? Patience and good luck

Has happened to many. Partially on topic.
Also celebrated a birthday with a girl, then they called each other, but were friends for a long time, as a result, DOD and again a friend.
Then she said that a friend came to her and sat and drank, that he is a better kisser , it was also nice to hear.
Thankfully there was a lot of work, then after 3-4 months I persuaded my colleague and then the first woman and then they became lovers, somehow there was no time for the girl. Then there were others too (at the same time).
Although it’s a pity now, roughly 15 years have passed, but I’m 90% sure that nothing would have worked out, it’s unlikely that it will be possible to forget the truth.
Later with her I spent the night about a year later, but out of principle and there was no particular joy.

[AlexK85]

Mishanja11, To some extent, I understand you. I also had a girl in my life who is now my only dream and the brightest moment in my life, and although we stopped communicating not because of betrayal, but because, so to speak, we belong to different worlds, but in my soul .. and it’s worth closing your eyes then SHE appears immediately! And it really pains me to think that there will never be such a feeling and such a person in life, but damn, this life is worth living and suffering just to experience this feeling at least once! Do you agree with me?) Although yes... sometimes there is a feeling that you can go headlong out of despair...
Ketzer, and you, dear ts, will definitely meet your girl like that and suddenly it turns out that you are not some kind of insensitive, but will go crazy with emotions and get high every day just thinking about your beloved) And yet, you are absolutely right that you decided to build a career and earn money, in our age of capital this is the most important thing, unfortunately (for me) I realized it too late ((and you, when you meet that one , you will be able to keep her, and keeping her is more important than finding her! And also, purely my conclusion, you should not purposefully look for a life partner, when you work on yourself and become qualitatively better, then new people will begin to appear next to you... And the last thing. , such experiences, rethinking, mental turmoil more often occur at the age of 40, you should be glad that you began to comprehend your life 7 years earlier, and real mental torment is still ahead of you)

[Hammer]

Perhaps I’m worrying in vain and this will all go away.

You’re worrying in vain. Of course everything will pass.

Sent after 4 minutes 5 seconds :

And it really hurts me to think that there will never be such a feeling in my life and similar

Selfishness of a married owner. Tell the girl thank you and let go of the memories.

[both]

Ketzer, Here I have the opposite situation. Although, maybe they wrote it correctly.."Chemistry" didn’t agree. You are with your ex. I’m with my current one. Like many others in similar situations. But if that same “chemistry” happened, there would be an explosion that would sweep away everything. And there would be no one-sided interests..

[AlexK85]

The selfishness of a married owner. Say thank you to the girl and let go of the memories.

But here there is no selfishness at all, in my situation no one has anything I take it for myself, but only enjoy what I have, you either don’t read carefully or don’t have empathy, or maybe I write poorly, I don’t know... But why let go of the feeling that feeds me every day and gives me the strength to live and get better, why forgetting the brightest event in life) Yes, the best emotions give strong kickbacks, but don’t we live to feel and experience?)

[sweetie]

The less we love a woman
A.S. Pushkin

The less we love a woman,
The easier we like her
And the more surely we destroy her
Among seductive networks.
Debauchery used to be cold-blooded
Science was famous for love,
Breaking about himself everywhere
And enjoying without loving.
But this important fun
nWorthy of old monkeys
Vaunted grandfatherly times:
Lovers’ fame has faded
With the glory of red heels
And majestic wigs.

[Ketzer]

AlexK85, thank you very much for your kind words!