Mobile versionNow I’ll start, perhaps, from childhood. I remember myself from about 3 years old, there are memories from the year. I didn’t go to kindergarten, my grandmother sat with me and my sister (a year younger than me), she took care of everyday life and cooking, mom and dad worked. Parents often quarreled. I touched my genitals very often and started having erections at about 3 years old. My grandmother often scolded me for this, threatened to cut off my hands, I promised that I would not do this again, but I could not keep my words. When I was about 6 years old, I had a dream in which I saw a girl and I liked her. The first time I experienced an orgasm was when I pretended to have sexual intercourse lying on my stomach on a bed at the age of 8, after which I began to masturbate, at first I also rubbed myself on the bed or the floor, I could also kiss a rubber ball on a hickey, imagining a girl, then I learned with my hands. In elementary school, I don’t remember the exact age, my parents and I rented a house in the village. The owners lived nearby in a neighboring house and they also had children, a son about my age and a daughter younger than my sister. I, my sister and the son of the owners of the house usually walked together, but for some reason his younger sister did not hang out with us, we probably considered her too small or she was bigger than us, I can’t say for sure. At first I was indifferent to her. But then an incident happened, which the son of the owners of the house told me about, his sister stepped on a nail and injured her leg, according to him, even the wound was not properly treated and I suddenly felt so sorry for her, I wanted to hug and caress her, but I didn’t even say anything to her I didn’t dare, I just dreamed of doing it. Now I’m wondering if I can love at all or just feel sorry?
Now it’s school years. I don’t like to remember this time. I went to gymnastics training at first 3 times a week, then 6 times a week. My father chose this way of raising me, asking another boy, who was about my build, but behaved aggressively (probably not jerking off
), to beat me. At first I resisted, but I don’t think I could do it fully, I was scared. Later, two more people joined in bullying me, one was a year older, the other was 2 years older. These three were a friendly bunch and loved to turn others against me. I didn’t dare say anything about it, I was ashamed, I hid the bruises. At school in the elementary grades I managed to fight back, but then they began to bully me there, and by that time I was already like a beaten dog; if I raised my hand, I was already afraid. I think it’s clear that I couldn’t have any relationships during this period. I wanted to be someone who could protect, but I myself needed protection and felt unworthy. In the class, the ratio of girls to boys was approximately 1 to 3. I remember in the first grade I liked one, the smallest one, but she soon transferred to another school. Later, in the 6th-7th grade, a girl transferred to us, who liked me a little, but I somehow managed to control myself, and a little later she changed her haircut to a short one, then it became easy, I like long hair.nI think it’s worth adding that there was such a short period in elementary school when I felt sorry for a classmate and a boy from practice, who, it seemed to me, were also offended, then I also wanted to hug and caress them, I think this was some kind of manifestation of bisexuality. Later, I didn’t feel this way about boys, even if I felt sorry for them.
About 12-14 years old, I can’t remember the exact age, the seed had just appeared then, I accidentally bent my penis during masturbation, so it hurt me during ejaculation and urination. I was afraid to say this. The pain during urination went away quite quickly, and during ejaculation it seemed to me that it lasted a year, maybe less, but it was definitely a long time, then it subsided, but remained a little, perhaps a psychosomatic problem, and the penis became crooked.
Now a little about the interests of my childhood. I felt that I liked computer games, but I had the opportunity to play them only when visiting, my mother said that I didn’t have the money for a game console. Now I think that after all there was such a sum, she just considered computers very harmful. Then I did this, asked not to give me gifts for the New Year and birthday, but to give me money instead, I started collecting bottles and one day I found 500 rubles on the beach. After some time, I managed to save 400 rubles. and then they couldn’t stop me from buying a dandy; it happened around 7th grade. Although my playing time was severely limited, I had to play secretly, I think I managed to play enough, it seems that in the 10th grade I was already tired of it. And I was left completely without hobbies.
In the 9th grade, after breaking my leg, I stopped going to gymnastics training, where I was bullied, because I realized that I could not go there. Even after the 9th grade, the students were redistributed into specialized classes, I chose physics and mathematics, and those who bullied me completely left after the 9th grade. I never joined the team.
When I finished school, I had a desire to pump up, At the same time, there was also the desire to eat right, but I didn’t know exactly how to eat right, there was no Internet, I experimented and rushed from one extreme to another, while continuing to jog and train with weights at home. I was embarrassed to go to the gym and would hardly spend money on it. During this period, my father just decided to separate from us. At first, this approach began to leave me exhausted. I decided to figure it out properly and instead of preparing for university, I began going to libraries, collecting books and reading. When I was reading another book, not having figured it out yet, I decided to devour it for 3 days, it just happened to be the days of taking entrance tests, like the Unified State Exam back then. I went to see them without eating. Then I finished reading the book and decided to focus on the theory of rational nutrition, when all the components are balanced, and became obsessed with having this happen for every meal. As a result, the points were not enough for the university, I went to enter college, there were enough points and I also passed the entrance tests, they were not difficult and I was full
I applied to be a programmer. After I found out that I was passing, I simply waited for the start of the school year. And when I arrived, it turned out that I had to bring the original of my passport, or certificate, etc. I didn’t bring it on time, so I didn’t get a job as a programmer, they took me to automated systems, which is also related to programming, they also studied databases and the basics of programming.I added a little about my mother. After my father separated, I never saw her bring a man into the house and never even saw her make friends. Much later, when talking to me, she said that she didn’t know how to start a relationship, and usually avoided talking about sex, but one day I managed to talk a little about it with her and she said that she didn’t get pleasure from sex, so I decided not to ask further.
In the first 2 years of college there was such a routine. I got up, went for a run in the park, came running to have breakfast, packed food with me, tormented myself and my mother and grandmother by preparing food to take with me. After studying, I came, ate, took a short break, went for a run in the park again, this time as a warm-up, ran home, warmed up, then did strength training, read that in order for growth not to be inhibited, you need to pump up all the muscles, this was difficult at home, It’s good that at home there was a horizontal bar and a barbell with a homemade short bar and dumbbells. In the summer he worked as a janitor and continued to train. I have a problem with the fact that I didn’t get enough sleep, no sleeping pills helped me, I didn’t cut out alcohol either, I tried one glass of strong alcohol as a sleeping pill. I wasn’t into alcohol, I didn’t get a buzz from it, and at school they also told me that it helps convert muscles into fat.
My mother was strict and quick-tempered at that time; in childhood she punished me with a belt for that I don’t remember, but I remember the belt well. And I also constantly reported on where I was and what I was doing, if they gave me money to buy a snack in high school, I reported on what I bought. When I went to college, my mother set a condition for me that if I missed a class, even due to illness, she would not feed me, she apparently was so rash, because... Then my father separated, but I took it seriously and as a lack of confidence in me. Another reason why I avoided relationships was that I was afraid of my parents’ judgment on this matter, I thought someday when I live separately and independently, then I’ll think about it, and in childhood I generally thought that this would happen after I will outlive my parents.
To be continued...
