Mental illness and non-acceptance of one's preferences

[Chief of Staff]

Hello. Male, 29 years old. I would like to receive some recommendations, advice on a very sensitive issue. Before moving on to describing the problems, I would briefly name them. "Mental disorder, latent homosexuality of a specific orientation growing out of fetishism." Latent because not implemented accordingly. We will have to explain ourselves gradually, step by step.
1) Mental disorder cyclothymia. Similar to bipolar, but with less severe symptoms. There is no mania and deep depression in him, but there is mild hypomania (when he is full of strength, energy, productive, positive, high learning ability, in my case, I believe due to this, there is also a predisposition to leadership, and the ability to lead people well, I had such experience in the professional sphere) and all this is replaced by a lack of resources, which can be described as not pronounced depression. During this period, they wake up: isolation, an urgent need to be alone for some time, difficulty concentrating, want to sleep a lot. Work that was extremely easy now requires forcing yourself to do, and the desire to learn and self-develop falls to zero, negative thinking does not manifest itself. These states change themselves in 80% of cases without any reason at all, as if a switch is triggered and that’s it. The average duration of one phase, which quickly replaces another, ranges from several days to 2-3 weeks. There is a third state, it is the most painful, exclusively provoked, and occurs in a stressful situation without resources: a conflict, or a rather unpleasant life event. I’ll call it depressive-hypomaniacal, negative thinking is added to the resource-less state described, a surge of unproductive energy appears, as if it’s difficult to sit still, fortunately critical thinking remains, protecting against some reckless actions, despite the fact that there is a rapid flow of negative thinking in the head. It lasts from several hours to a couple of days. I also did not immediately come to the understanding that there was a problem. In adolescence, everything was attributed to emotional lability. It made it difficult to live a little, so I tried to understand what was wrong with me, but to no avail. Emotion lability and nothing to do with it, in general, they said that this was a normal option, and it was really possible to live with it. But later many additional traumatic factors happened. The very first was at the age of 20, connected with the desire to realize my dream and enter a medical university, in my case only the budget was possible, I lost time from school to medical college and I would not have been able to pass the Unified State Exam with 270-280 points. But there was an option, through the army, for the sake of this I entered the service, having knocked out the A1 category, performed ideal soldier service, and subsequently sergeant service. I got what I wanted, a targeted recommendation for admission to the military medical academy, and literally a few days before demobilization, my brother received a criminal record, and all my efforts were in vain. Then there was an unsuccessful couple of relationships with girls, in the first one it was the immaturity of the partner that finished off. Secondly, there were betrayals related to the fact that I was like a woman, not a man, not capable of beating and swearing at a girl, so I got caught like that. And I firmly decided for myself not to enter into a relationship with anyone anymore, I got used to it and lived self-sufficiently. But something happened. At some point, completely unexpectedly, a girl met me on the Internet, under the pretext that in the future she planned to move to the city in which I live and was looking for friends there. In about 1.5-2 years of correspondence, I managed to fall in love with a person again, and with such strength as never before. At some point, shortly before she moved, my Doberman dog died of epilepsy at the age of 4, I went into depression and for some time our communication was interrupted. Then it was restored, the girl moved, we met live a couple of times, love grew, events gradually developed. And at some point the girl writes to me that she is pregnant, saying she is 3 months pregnant. It traumatized me, then it was very traumatizing, I literally couldn’t find a place for myself. Naturally, there was no sexual intercourse between us yet. As it turned out, during the period when I interrupted communication, the girl thought that I had simply merged, and found another person, whom she left, suspecting a different relationship. In short, I married a pregnant girl, and her parents promised to help with the child. And he was happy until the child was born. My wife went into postpartum depression, almost to a catatonic level. Naturally, no one helped us with the child; on the contrary, we were deceived a little with real estate, there was an unsuccessful move to another city, and we were buried in debt. For the first year and a half, I was actually a single father, including getting up to see the child at night 5-8 times a night because... the wife is not a resource. At some point, the wife moved away a little. But it turned out that my wife has a lot more problems, due to a very difficult childhood, which turned out to be even worse than mine, in addition to depression: anxiety disorder, panic attacks, borderline personality disorder. I took a course of antidepressants and saw psychologists. In particular, the pills helped a little. And in this overall picture, I understand that we won’t have children together; we need to get at least one, and she firmly doesn’t want any more children, although I wanted, of course. Then at some point they more or less straightened out, the child was really a little strange, but they thought he would outgrow it, it was difficult to compare with other children, because... There were times of covid and isolation, we made it to kindergarten, everything immediately became clear and another strong blow awaited us. It turned out that our child has autism and a disability. I still love my daughter very much, I care and will care, but I had to accept the fact that even if not biologically, your only child will not be able to grow up full-fledged, naturally we do what we can for socialization, and to get closer to the normatives. But we won’t start anything in common, because... We don’t stretch resources, over time I came to this. But in the last year or so, I began to notice problems behind me, which were already more obvious. Mood swings have become more severe, mood swings have become more frequent, usually without reason in 90% of cases. I decided to leave my leadership position and move to another job, lower-paid, but not as resource-intensive as possible. I began to keep a diary of changes and look for the problem further. I took many tests in psychology. I have been interested in this topic since I was a teenager. This is one of the areas of my life that gives it meaning besides my wife and child; I really dream of going to university in the future and am striving for this. One of my reference books is a textbook: cognitive behavioral therapy, author J. Beck. When I was studying topics related to personality psychotypes, I came across the cycloid type. I thought wow, here it is! Finally I can figure myself out. But, unfortunately, something diverged, and the symptoms continued to intensify. In addition to this, in the last two years, a craving for homosexuality has begun to seep in. In the last year, every month the symptoms are a little stronger, and this craving is a little stronger. I will devote a separate paragraph to this craving. And then, just the other day, I wondered if I had bipolar personality disorder. I decided to tell everything about myself to my beloved wife, for the first time I opened up to her completely, including my peculiarity, a craving that I had been suppressing within myself all my life. Then I began to analyze and study further, it doesn’t fit with bipolar either, the symptoms are too vague, there are no affects, milder symptoms, and I learned about the existence of such a disorder as “cyclothymic personality disorder.” This disease greatly interferes with life, it is quite difficult. I could not find a clear answer whether it could develop into bipolar disorder without treatment. Some people think yes, some people think no. After that, the whole puzzle seemed to come together in my head. Every stage of life, almost every phrase I said, behavior, mood, attitude towards life. I tracked a trend towards deterioration throughout my life, especially in recent years. Now I understand perfectly well that there is a disease that cannot be avoided without medication and therapy. In general, one of these days I’m going to see a psychiatrist. I’m afraid of becoming bipolar.
Now about sexual deviation. Because I admit the possibility that one enhances the other. Attempts to suppress oneself intensify cyclothymia, and increasing cyclothymia leads to the fact that it becomes more difficult to suppress oneself. About genesis: initially I am a foot fetishist, and the main object of pleasure and excitement is my own feet, where the erogenous zone is also located. At one time I studied the issue of its occurrence, it could be psychotrauma in early childhood, or something else, in my case there is usually always a clear memory with people like me. In childhood, when I was little, 2-5 years old, adults, when, for example, I was sick or somehow wanted to caress the baby, they often stroked the heels, they could kiss, and if it happens that a person has a natural erogenous zone in such a place, then with a very high probability it can occur foot fetishism. For the same reason, women are much more likely to have a fetish for men’s hands, associated with the fact that, as a rule, a dad could tightly hug and comfort a small child in difficult moments. Actually, the first person who was able to accept me with my peculiarity was my wife. My foot fetish needs are satisfied regularly. But there are a few more difficulties, mainly I like either my own feet or others; if they are strangers, then they are male. In general, neither the female nor the male body excites me at all, and never has. Let me return to the topic of other men’s feet. Initially, this was not a problem at all and did not interfere with life. I considered myself hetero, and this was easily thrown aside like fluff. However, there were several episodes in my life when I watched homofutfetish pornography, even before marriage in adolescence. I considered it shameful, but nevertheless I enjoyed watching it. The rest of the time I masturbated on my own legs\legs until I was in a relationship. But he still stubbornly considered himself hetero, especially considering that he fell in love with women, was platonically attracted to them, fell in love with his wife to the point of unconsciousness, and his feelings for her have not cooled an ounce to this day. In sex, as in any case it seemed to me, he satisfied his sexual partners, was sensitive and diligent, and received orgasms himself. Here the process itself is pleasant for me, there are feelings: emotional and beautiful, caring for each other. And my wife even more so accepted me as a foot fetishist. All the fantasies during sex in my head were naturally associated with my own legs, and the peak of my pleasure occurred at the moments when they were involved in the process. And for quite a long time I was able to successfully imitate the fact that a woman’s body excites me. When I got married, I was firmly convinced that I would try, and everything would be fine. But against the backdrop of all the difficult life events, the deterioration of my mental state, my libido began to fall. Sex with my wife, if previously it could be several times a day\week, began to subside quantitatively. In the last two years it has dropped to 1-2 times every two weeks, or even less often. And a tendency appeared in my head towards homosexuality, I sometimes secretly began to watch homoporn. And in the process of sex with his wife, fantasies from homoporn were added to his own fantasies. It didn’t get any worse qualitatively, I continued to try as hard as I could for her sake at these moments, just as I always received emotions and pleasure from the process, but my own fantasies, yes, were distorted. But still, later she began to understand that something was wrong with me. And I kept hoping that I could suppress it. For me this is immoral, sincerely wrong. I want to reject it, I don’t want to accept myself. But in the last few months it has gotten worse. I live with fantasies, I fight them. In these fantasies, I slept with a man. I don’t care what he looks like, it’s still all about the foot fetish. I don’t care about any feelings, because... I truly and very much love my wife. In fantasies there are only two processes, dry without emotional and without sensual. In one state I dominate, and he licks my feet. In another, a man even goes so far as to fuck me and do whatever he wants with my body. And figuratively, not me, but, as it were, my legs. In moments of excitement, the feet seem to gain intelligence; everything is tied to them, and for their sake. And lately, these thoughts have become wildly intrusive, they exhaust me, a lot of resources are spent on fighting them. Thoughts sometimes even form the following format: life was full of disappointments, children are not bright (at the moment, I’m even glad that we didn’t have time to have common ones), the future is difficult, the prospects are vague. The child has autism, something is wrong with me, my wife is still severely depressed, albeit without such severe anxiety and panic attacks. Will I never even realize my fantasies? It got to the point where I finally made up my mind and told my wife everything. What’s wrong with me, what’s my thinking and so on. Moreover, she began to notice that something was wrong with me. Naturally, I caused her pain and suffering, and this makes it hard for me too. I love her, I want to always be there, caring, to be a fortress, to support her. I love my daughter, I raise her, study with her, play with her, take her to kindergarten, my wife picks her up, I invest as much as I have enough resources. What’s the end result? It turns out that I myself am already a sick person who brings suffering to my wife, suffers myself, with incomprehensible inclinations. In my life earlier, I was firmly convinced that I was hetero, at least I believed in it, I entered into marriage with a fairly strong psyche. But there are too many traumatic factors in a short period of time, in just 5 years, so many events have occurred that may not happen to people in their entire lives. All these factors aggravated my mental state. My wife seemed to react with understanding, only time will tell. Despite all this, she has still been diagnosed with a severe form of depression, and will soon undergo another course of treatment. All these events, including the diagnosis of the child, and so on, hit her too. And apparently, as I wrote above, I also came to the point of needing to see a psychiatrist.
And now I don’t know what to do. Should I start accepting myself somehow or not? I would like to return to the previous state, when this homosexual tendency did not have such a strong influence on me. Is it possible to return to it in principle, especially considering that the fight against this is now taking and depleting my mental resources and nervous system, with which everything is not very good anyway, because getting to bipolar is much worse, and the symptoms of cyclothymia are intensifying? On the other hand, I want to start accepting myself somehow, to become whole, because right now I don’t feel whole. Should I deny myself such an experience: a possible source of pleasure in life? A life that has always been very difficult? But for me all this is immoral, it seems to me that this is on par with betrayal of the person I love. Although she even seems to think that I need to accept myself, perhaps gradually, to at least start not being embarrassed by the fact that I watch such pornography. In extreme cases, it’s better, they say, to find a third person with a certificate of health than if I suddenly lose my mind. Now, unfortunately, I cannot guarantee that this thirst against the background of some kind of hypomania can undesirably carry me to a third party, although so far I have not experienced any affective states. From the point of view of not being accepted, even after such a conversation with my wife, I feel like a dirty, weak person. On top of that, I was raised with traditional values. The last paragraph will be about childhood.
Until I was 12, my grandmother regularly took me to church every weekend. My upbringing was quite strict and unique, while at the same time my mother and grandmother did everything they could for their children and grandchildren. I am the sixth, the youngest with many children, born with the purpose of trying on their marriage, so I was repeatedly told. My father did not show 100% direct involvement in my upbringing; the elders had something to lose. The father systematically cheated on the mother. By the age of 7-10 years, I already had several nephews aged 1 to 4 years; my mother and grandmother were also involved in raising them. We lived as a large "friendly" family in the same village. There was an active war going on among all the elders. Divide of living space, alcoholism, pogroms, struggle for mother’s attention, the most frequent guest is the police. I’m lucky to have friends and a love of reading. 80% of the time I was on self-education, and there was complete trust in me; no one was interested in my successes, for example in my studies. I skipped school often. On those rare occasions when adults did take part in my upbringing. There was rigor, a Soviet approach, I would call it that. The "correct beliefs" were instilled. However, they tried to give love too. Mom dreamed of a big, friendly family, but it turned out extremely badly. The poor, most of the elders to this day do not like each other, or even hate each other. Adult life turned out well for only the two eldest; for the four youngest, it turned out extremely poorly. All my life, since childhood, I have tried to reconcile everyone. Only after marriage did he give up this disastrous business and stop participating in family squabbles. Only at the age of 17 to 21, when everyone had left, did my mother really decide to show me care, as if she wanted to make up for lost time, in the form of overprotection. So what would happen to someone who should drop a glass of water in old age? Since childhood, I told her that I would move out, which I did at the first opportunity. I don’t have any feelings of resentment towards my parents at all. It’s only a shame that there were many of us, and a lot was missed in our upbringing. In general, I grew up "correctly". And betrayal and homosexuality don’t look right to me, but at the same time I experience suffering.
So maybe someone has been in a similar situation. Something to share. Or give some advice.

[niqk]

Buddy, you need to go to a therapist, not to a porn forum. It’s unlikely that anyone will help you here...

[Gudgeon]

If you think that someone here will read this sheet and even give recommendations, then there is definitely a mental disorder

[Chief of Staff]

I’m going to see a psychiatrist one of these days. In the past, by the way, I was at an appointment, diagnosed with depression, prescribed antidepressants, but the diagnosis was incorrect. Almost died.

[Fan96]

I imagine an entertaining forum without whining, schizoid topics, fagots, motherfuckers, coprophiles and other slag.
More positive, creative from NORMAL!!!

[Hammer]

Fucked up. They excite their feet, but the young wife does not excite them!?

[georg]

Yes, I didn’t get through the first 3 lines..... What advice is there - just send him to hell!

[arelav]

I can’t recommend anything. But from the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best.

[Gudgeon]

I present an entertainment forum without whining, schizoid topics, fagots, motherfuckers, coprophiles and other slag n

"Forum about sex and sexual deviations "Can you imagine without these very deviations?
And just imagine without whining, and not whining, that the specialized forum is discussing what it was created for.

[both]

I’m very tolerant.. But I still couldn’t get through the topic. I think the author understands the topic much better than all of us here.
In general, I myself am half-witted about psychological deviations in myself..
Well, there are too many individuals on sex forums who just trash everything around. Why, if you don’t like the topic, just don’t pass it by?

[Fan96]

who only crap on everything

Don’t crap! but they think critically some crazy people apparently don’t understand what they are writing.
As for passing by, you hit the nail on the head only it’s better to get out of here and it will be pretty soon