First marriage - a rehearsal?

[Tanya]

Offtopic:
◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊, if it’s not a secret, has your personal life improved? Do you remember finding someone, did it work out? I’m not asking for selfish reasons, I just would like to know that everything is fine.

no, it didn’t work out

It’s a shame, but everything will definitely be fine!

[Sorcerer]

My opinion is that you don’t need to get married right away. We must live in a civil marriage, no obligations. So they got used to each other, survived everyday life, and then you can think about marriage.

[Gudgeon]

why are we talking about one-day or one-month marriages?

And his hedgehog knows, that’s how the conversation turned. I’m not the one who turned it around like that But the topic paster:

most first marriages break up, sooner or later. And sooner rather than later

how it happens that people become strangers for a friend

Of course it happens. And it happens that one gets stuck at the initial stage, and the second goes further. Previously they were the same, then one changed. And they began to not suit each other. Therefore, we need to grow and develop together. But all this does not mean that the first marriage is bound to fall apart sooner or later, and even “rather sooner.” Here’s how anyone was able to build/preserve it. Well, how the stars aligned. Sometimes little depends on us.

[Venus]

We lived with my husband for seven years and then divorced. The only thing I regret is that I didn’t divorce him earlier. In my personal opinion, it is very difficult or even impossible to predict in advance how everything will turn out. My parents have been together for 30 years, and my grandparents for 50.

[◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊]

Gudgeon, I think that the stars are just not Moreover, everything depends on the people in the couple, everything is in their hands, you just need to try together, and not just one person... and you need to listen to your spouse... most often he speaks everything in an understandable language, everything that happens to him, what he feels and why, but for some reason the other refuses to listen :`((

[career]

We lived with my husband for seven years, and then divorced.

you wrote that you practically did not live with him from the very beginning, and could not observe the process his drinking behavior into an alcoholic

[Venus]

We lived with my husband for seven years, and then divorced.

you wrote that you practically didn’t live with him from the very beginning, and I couldn’t observe the process of him becoming an alcoholic.

Yes, initially we actually lived in different cities.

[Gudgeon]

You need to try together, not just one person..

Marriage in which only one tries - he is doomed. Or to decay or to a miserable slave existence for one spouse.

but for some reason the other one refuses to listen :`((

Mutual insults, selfishness, pride, reproaches... etc. Any of them deprives you of the ability to hear. When I’m angry, I also don’t hear anything. think. Sometimes it’s very difficult.

[Bully Carrie]

The main thing is to challenge yourself and force yourself to listen and think. Sometimes it is very difficult.

Not just difficult, but sometimes impossible in the moment. Another way, more effective, is to listen to yourself, but listen well. This anger - why is it, what is it really about? What do I want now, why am I angry, what do I lack? It helps, verified. Sorry for the unsolicited advice.

[Gudgeon]

It’s more effective to listen to yourself, but it’s good to listen

That’s the problem: when you’re angry, when you’re really boiling It’s all inside, you can’t listen to others, and even less so to yourself. The main thing here is not to throw out the negative in a harsh form until the intensity of passions and introspection decreases. And at this moment I really want to “hit you where it hurts”... The main thing is not to lose your temper.

[Bully Carrie]

There is such a concept - a representative sample.

I agree. That’s why I’m writing that these are personal statistics, based on what I observe among my friends. I don’t pretend to represent all of humanity.
By the way, there is also such a concept - survivor’s mistake: if you are lucky, this does not mean that others are lucky.

[Gudgeon]

There is also such a concept - a survivor’s mistake

Be familiar with this concept. But comparing marriage with the “survivor’s mistake” is just some kind of cruelty!
And so, this concept is rather an everyday one, a statistics specialist will simply say that the sample is incorrect, only the “survivors” are taken into account, and not everyone in the situation. So "survivor bias" and "unrepresentative sampling" are the same thing, just viewed from different angles. And that’s right.

[Xenophon]

Great discussion! Two ladies who experienced a divorce and have an idea of ​​the essence of the issue. There is one never married person who does not welcome this event. And a set of clichés from the rest, including the most hated thing for me “marriage is hard work.” Now everything turns into work for us. Playing movies, football and even war.
Well, it’s not typical for a person to specifically choose hard work. He always tries to choose an easier job. It happens that he is not suitable for this particular work and does not get along with the team, and sometimes he is fired from his job for his mistakes. And sometimes he finds a better job. Marriage is work, then what is the reason for such a sacred attitude towards it?
If you fall in love, you will tell your boss when you explain your two-week absence.

[Bully Carrie]

Wonderful discussion! Two ladies who experienced a divorce and have an idea of ​​the essence of the issue. There is one never married person who does not welcome this event. And a set of clichés from the rest, including the most hated thing for me “marriage is hard work.” Now everything turns into work for us. Playing movies, football and even war.
Well, it’s not typical for a person to specifically choose hard work. He always tries to choose an easier job. It happens that he is not suitable for this particular work and does not get along with the team, and sometimes he is fired from his job for his mistakes. And sometimes he finds a better job. marriage is work, then what is the reason for such a sacred attitude towards it?>

Yesterday they actually attacked me here, but today something has already started to be constructive.

[Beluga]

I have an acquaintance who is already in his fifth marriage (and all serious dresses, limousines, stamps) have four children from his previous wives, on average they last about 3 years... everything is rehearsing, apparently

[Bully Carrie]

I have an acquaintance who is already in his fifth marriage (and all serious dresses, limousines, stamps) have four children from his previous wives, on average they last about 3 years... everything is rehearsing, apparently

Read carefully: I am writing about my FIRST marriage, not my fifth.

[Beluga]

I have a friend who is already in his fifth marriage (and all serious dresses, limousines, stamps) have four children from his previous wives, on average they last about 3 years... everything is rehearsing, apparently

Read carefully: I am writing about the FIRST marriage, not the fifth.

I’m talking about the fact that is it the first or the 21st for some it’s all a rehearsal, this is not a dogma

[BeachBunny]

Divorce does not destroy a family.. a family is destroyed by years of misunderstanding, indifference and betrayal, and divorce is salvation from this prison.
Mongoose, you are correct wrote about theorists and practitioners, get married at least once, and then return to this topic.. all your reasoning is valid without personal experience))

Divorce should be a last resort , not the taken-for-granted ending of most marriages. I have long noticed that it is women who tend to justify the collapse of the family with anything, as well as infidelity)

[◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊]

divorce does not destroy a family.. a family is destroyed by years of misunderstanding, indifference and betrayal, and divorce is salvation from this prison.
Mongoose correctly wrote to you about theorists and practitioners, get married at least once, and then return to this topic.. all your reasoning is voiceless without personal experience))

Divorce should be a last resort and not a given end to most marriages. I have long noticed that it is women who tend to justify the breakdown of the family with anything, as well as infidelity)

yes.. is it true?.. and a lot with you women got divorced justifying it with anything?))).. and I noticed that men are ready to justify their unpleasant actions towards their wives at any time.. amazingly true?)))

[BeachBunny]

They used to be the same, then one changed. And they began to not suit each other.

Complete nonsense. This is typically female logic) This is a question of correctly set priorities and values, and when conversations begin that someone has outgrown someone else or are no longer suitable for each other, this is a change in perception, nothing more, in other words, secondary factors, which, by the way, are overwhelmingly In most cases, they influence the woman, which is partly why I don’t advise getting involved with women who are highly dependent on other people’s opinions.

Sent after 3 minutes 56 seconds:

One never married person who does not welcome this event.

Who told you that I don’t welcome starting a family?) I’m not married for this reason)

Sent after 1 minute 8 seconds:

Yes, yesterday they actually ran into me here

No like this)

[◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊]

They used to be the same, then one changed. And they began to not suit each other.

Complete nonsense. This is typically female logic) This is a question of correctly set priorities and values, and when conversations begin that someone has outgrown someone else or are no longer suitable for each other, this is a change in perception, nothing more, in other words, secondary factors, which, by the way, are overwhelmingly In most cases, they influence the woman, which is partly why I don’t advise you to get involved with women who are highly dependent on other people’s opinions.

I don’t advise you to get involved with women at all, it’s better to move on for men

[Bully Carrie]

I don’t advise you to get involved with women at all, it’s better to switch to men

Well hello, but men are not people, or what? They can also be imperfect, not responsible enough, and generally make mistakes))

[BeachBunny]

yeah.. is it true?.. and many women divorced you, justifying it with anything?))).. and I noticed that men We are ready to justify our unpleasant actions towards our wives.. amazingly true?)))

It’s funny how you switch from warm to soft) One might think only men show unpleasant actions towards their wives)

[Bully Carrie]

Не было такого)

правда? Ну, ок....

[BeachBunny]

I don’t advise you to get involved with women at all, it’s better to switch to men

I I beg you, stop with such formulations, you are starting to give the impression of a TP.

[◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊]

I don’t advise you to get involved with women at all, it’s better to switch to men

Well, hello, but men are not people, or what? They, too, can be imperfect, not responsible enough, and generally make mistakes))

that’s right.. you should feel sorry for the men too.. let him train on goats.. or not.. better on the rocks)

[BeachBunny]

really? Well, ok....

There is no reason to attack you, we are talking)

Sent after 47 seconds:

that’s right.. men too I have to feel sorry.. let him train on goats.. or not.. it’s better on rocks)

I’m beginning to understand what one of the reasons for your divorce is)

[Bully Carrie]

I am beginning to understand what one of the reasons for your divorce is)

Diagnosis on the Internet is a thankless thing. Otherwise, now we’ll all start walking around in white coats and handing out diagnoses

[BeachBunny]

Diagnosis over the Internet is a thankless thing. Otherwise, now we’ll all start walking around in white coats and handing out diagnoses

Well, what kind of diagnoses are you) Manner of speech, speech patterns and literacy can speak about a person, but of course this is not an exact science)

[Bully Carrie]

Manner of speech, speech patterns and literacy can speak about a person

These are all our extrapolations, nothing more.

[BeachBunny]

These are all our extrapolations, nothing more.

Reasonable, but in conjunction with knowledge of psychology, life experience and communication, in in particular, with the female sex, this makes it possible to draw logical, correct conclusions in the vast majority of cases.

[Bully Carrie]

natural, correct conclusions, in the overwhelming majority of cases.

Is the approximation error taken into account? Consider that we are an implicit function here)

[Gudgeon]

Hooligan Carrie, oooh... a woman who knows such words , my respects with only two "p"

[Bully Carrie]

woman

Well, no matter how we live under the Taliban, women also once studied at school))

[Gudgeon]

Hooligan Carrie, well, that’s for sure. Only, it seems, this is already an institute course, in mathematical analysis. But despite the fact that everyone has studied, most will not even remember the words. And men, by the way, too

[Bully Carrie]

Hooligan Carrie, well, that’s for sure . Only, it seems, this is already an institute course, in mathematical analysis. But despite the fact that everyone has studied, most will not even remember the words. And men, by the way, too

Hmmm....we definitely didn’t have this at the university. But from somewhere I remember this - it means it happened at school. Well, or my mother told me)))

[BeachBunny]

approximation error

Analytical conclusions in the field of interpersonal or intersexual relations are not based on simple algebraic calculations or statistical data. As practice shows, where one out of 100 people sees a pattern and a cause-and-effect relationship, the remaining 99 see a series of unrelated actions and events, in other words, they see nothing, and even if he begins to explain to them why it happens the way it happens, the other 99 will not understand him at best, and at worst they will say that he is simply delusional, and after the situation unfolds as he said, the remaining 99 will say that this is just an accident, because in their understanding there is no connection and no outcome cannot be predicted.

[Aion2012Dead]

It seems to me that the very idea of ​​marriage is untenable. Or it needs improvement.
It’s just that we humans, as biological creatures, cannot be monogamous all our lives.
Well, either by connecting consciousness, it is possible to be faithful to one person, which means imposing self-restrictions.
Which in turn leads to the accumulation of other improvisations in the human psyche.
All those marriages and unions are honey people who are sung in novels and history are either exceptions (that’s why they are sung)
Or cultural derivatives of that time.

[Beluga]

but everything will definitely be fine

the main thing is to survive until this moment

[niqk]

It seems to me that psychology has figured this out a long time ago. More or less... There are also appropriate consultations for
spouses with problems, so there is somewhere to go and get advice. Moreover, there are real specialists there, and not
lovers of sex problems from the forum...
And I know a few, quite a lot of people enter into their first marriage not for love, but for all sorts of frivolous reasons. Here
and a reluctance to lag behind friends of the same age. And, on the contrary, to show off in front of them - they say, you are still suckers,
and I am already getting married. And various calculations: to make a career, to get a rich pinocchio who can be milked for a long time after a divorce, to move from the provinces to a big city, and simply the fear of loneliness...
It is clear that such marriages are short-lived ...

[Aion2012Dead]

It seems to me that psychology has figured this out a long time ago. More or less... There are also appropriate consultations for
spouses with problems, so there is somewhere to go and get advice. Moreover, there are real specialists there, and not
lovers of sex problems from the forum...
And I know a few, quite a lot of people enter into their first marriage not for love, but for all sorts of frivolous reasons. Here
and a reluctance to lag behind friends of the same age. And, on the contrary, to show off in front of them - they say, you are still suckers,
and I am already getting married. And various calculations: to make a career, to get a rich pinocchio who can be milked for a long time after a divorce, to move from the provinces to a big city, and simply the fear of loneliness...
It is clear that such marriages are short-lived ...

niqk,
This is what all marriages are.
The percentage of true love is one in a million.

nThat’s why I argue that the idea of ​​a social unit in the form of a husband, wife and children is not the most viable; it often falls apart on its own.

[niqk]

One in a million?!! You bent it. There are no such statistics...
By the way, there is simply no other social unit of society. Everything else is even less reliable...

[BeachBunny]

niqk, now there are only one or two competent professional psychologists . Modern popular psychology is another area of ​​taking money from gullible people who do not have critical thinking. You should listen to the blatant nonsense that most so-called psychologists of both sexes are talking about, presenting their own opinions as professional, and doing things not for the sake of helping people, but for the sake of hype and material gain)

[niqk]

now there are only one or two competent professional psychologists.

I disagree. There are also competent professionals, and there are many of them! They’re just not as noticeable as the scum
who makes money from the problems of ordinary people...

[Aion2012Dead]

niqk,
Well, purely logically - if the union of two people was so good, would there be a need for such help and a department in general - like family psychology?

[niqk]

niqk,
nWell, purely logically - if the union of two people were so good, would there really be a need for such help and a department in general - like family psychology?

Purely logically - is man a very logical creature? And always does what’s right?

[Gudgeon]

little husk
who makes money from the problems of ordinary people

I think this is the most accurate description of all psychologists as such :)

[Aion2012Dead]

niqk,
No. This is the answer to any human creation.

[niqk]

limp husk
who makes money from the problems of ordinary people

I think this is the most accurate description of all psychologists in general as such

So you are unlucky to meet real professionals...

[niqk]

niqk,
nNo.
This is the answer to any human creation.

That is why psychology and psychologists exist. It is very difficult for a person to understand himself. We need
an outside perspective...