First marriage - a rehearsal?

[Bully Carrie]

According to my personal statistics, most first marriages break up, sooner or later. And sooner rather than later. Why does this happen, do you think?
It is clear that the first marriage is always a sea of ​​sex, just an ocean. And still we run away. Or is it the other way around, that’s why we run away?
What do you say? Please tell us how things went with your first marriage? Or just what do you think about this?

[BeachBunny]

Not married and never was. I don’t recognize divorce, I’m very conservative in this regard.

[Mongoose]

Up to a year it’s love! And then (figuratively) there is the building of a family, the grinding of foundations, the play of characters, the desire to hear, etc. (as you wish) And not everyone succeeds in maintaining this love, respect, attention. The first 10 years are hard
P.S I can’t say anything about the second, third... tenth marriage! Married for the first time!

[Bully Carrie]

Married for the first time!

And how many years, if it’s not a secret?

[Rainmaker]

I’m a poor litmus tester, but my wife and I first dated for seven years, living together for six of those years.

Then they got married and still haven’t divorced. Although we were closer than ever to this last year.

[Mongoose]

Married in his first marriage!

How old, if it’s not a secret?

It’s no secret 25

[Bully Carrie]

I don’t recognize divorce, I’m very conservative in this regard

Why? The decision of two adults to free each other from unnecessary obligations, what’s wrong with that?

[Bully Carrie]

It’s no secret 25

Well, my statistics are broken )))

[Bully Carrie]

of which six lived together.

Well, since they lived, it still turns out - together? Or does the official status of husband/wife change something? What?)

[Greek10]

According to my personal statistics, most first marriages break up, sooner or later. And sooner rather than later. Why does this happen, do you think?
It is clear that the first marriage is always a sea of ​​sex, just an ocean. And still we run away. Or is it the other way around, that’s why we run away?
What do you say? Please tell us how things went with your first marriage? Or just what do you think about this?

My personal statistics tell a different story. Among relatives and friends, only death separated couples; among acquaintances, the only reason was wedding on arrival.

[Rainmaker]

Almost nothing. It’s just that for some women, until they have all these “happiness, health, toastmaster, the drunken brother-in-law of the bride hits the groom’s brother-in-law in the face,” this is not a marriage but a test period.

[Gudgeon]

According to my personal statistics

There is such a concept - a representative sample. You do not represent all of humanity as your single personality. So statistics cannot be "personal" from one, two, three (x.s. 10?) marriages of one person. These are just incidents in your life. Essentially - random events.

most first marriages break up, sooner or later

All marriages break up. 100% marriages. Just sometimes - the death of one/both spouses.

Basically: not all marriages break up. Firstly, there is a sea of ​​elderly couples for whom this is their first and only marriage. Secondly, there are parents of our generation, who are also mostly in their first marriage (but this is not exact), but certainly not all in their 2nd, 3rd, or 10th. And finally... For example, none of my relatives and cousins ​​got divorced. And everyone is already 40 +/-10 years old. So... You made the wrong conclusions and demand an explanation for them.
It’s better to ask you - why are your relationships falling apart and your marriages not viable?

[Greek10]

It’s no secret 25

Similarly, 27,
And I still look at her as if for the first time.....

Sent after 1 minute 42 seconds:

You made the wrong conclusions and demand an explanation for them .
It’s better to ask you - why are your relationships falling apart and marriages not viable?

You can’t say more precisely)))) Bravo!

[BeachBunny]

The decision of two adults

Your statement, in my personal opinion, is incorrect by definition. Two adults, self-sufficient people, if they are truly adults both physically and psychologically, purposefully, consciously, get married to create a family and have children, but what you are describing are two infantile, irresponsible idiots who wanted and did something today , tomorrow we got tired and ran away.

P.S. It must be recognized that there are exceptions to any rule.

[◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊]

The decision of two adults

Your statement, in my personal opinion, is incorrect by definition. Two adults, self-sufficient people, if they are truly adults both physically and psychologically, purposefully, consciously, get married to create a family and have children, but what you are describing are two infantile, irresponsible idiots who wanted and did something today , tomorrow we got tired and ran away.

P.S. We must admit that there are exceptions to any rule.

do you think that no one has the right to make a mistake?

[BeachBunny]

do you think that no one has the right to make a mistake?

Divorce is not just a mistake, it’s a whole set of wrong, stupid and often selfish decisions and mistakes.

[◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊]

do you think that no one has the right to make a mistake?

Divorce is not just a mistake, it is a whole set of wrong, stupid and often selfish decisions and mistakes.

divorces are different.. sometimes it is saving someone’s life. . even several lives.

[BeachBunny]

Don’t think in exceptions. There are exceptions to any rule and I wrote this.

[◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊]

Don’t think in exceptions. There are exceptions to any rule and I wrote this.

o.. that means I’m so exceptional.. thank you))

[BeachBunny]

that means I’m so exceptional

You know better

[Gudgeon]

Offtopic:
◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊ , if it’s not a secret, has your personal life improved? Do you remember finding someone, did it work out? I’m not asking for selfish reasons, I’d just like to know that everything is fine.

[Mongoose]

Two adults, self-sufficient people, if they are really adults both physically and psychologically, purposefully, consciously get married

Oh, I don’t know, when did we get married? students were (purposefully, consciously adults..... This is something very serious) always hungry, to "smoke" someone out of the dorm room and have sex, well, to walk until the morning - I remember this - this is conscious!

[◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊]

Offtopic:
◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊, if it’s not a secret, has your personal life improved? Do you remember finding someone, did it work out? I’m not asking for selfish reasons, I’d just like to know that everything is fine.

no, it didn’t work out

[Bully Carrie]

Well, ok, they harassed me from all sides. Fine. Around me personally there are complete infantile idiots, myself included. And moreover, I saw cases of divorce in my parents’ generation, in my inner circle, and - horror! - in the generation of grandparents.
But they don’t exist. Understood.

[BeachBunny]

Hooligan Carrie, first of all, no one seems to know you I was ashamed if I didn’t miss something, secondly, there are a ton of divorces and more, but this does not mean that this is the norm and we need to strive for this, thirdly, in the generation of grandparents there was a minimal number of divorces, divorce was an exception, but now divorce is the rule.

The vast majority of divorces occur in couples without children and with one child, something like 75-80% if my memory serves me correctly. The overwhelming number of divorces occur in couples where there is no clear leader/head of the family. In addition, the vast majority of divorces are initiated by women, according to various sources this is 80-85%.

[Watchman]

divorces are different.. sometimes it’s saving someone’s life.. even several lives.

and sometimes the death of several too

[Bully Carrie]

but this does not mean that this is the norm and we should strive for this

Did I write that we should strive for it? Apparently not.
It’s just that if two people live with each other in a state of sluggish military conflict, they feel like they are in a cage and scandals become routine - isn’t it better IN SUCH A CASE to give each other a chance to try to find personal happiness again?
And if one of the spouses beats, mocks, turns life into hell?
And if the attraction disappears - well, it’s disappeared, that’s all?

[Greek10]

in the generation of grandparents there was a minimal number of divorces, divorce was an exception, but now divorce is the rule

The fact is that in the USSR it was impossible to just go and get a divorce. The family was a unit of society, one of the foundations of statehood and was protected by the state (for what purposes is another question - military, economic, demographic, etc.) Therefore, you could only get a divorce through the court this time, if the court does not consider the arguments to be sound, then you will not be divorced - that’s two, over these few months the court, through party committees, trade union committees, trade unions, the public, etc., put pressure on saving the marriage - that’s three, even if the arguments are solid, they will give you time for several months - that’s four, well, the cherry on the cake - divorce is like a stigma a loser/loser in society is five.
So divorce in the USSR was a long and difficult process. It’s not for nothing that there was a saying: if you endure it, you will fall in love

[BeachBunny]

Did I write that we should strive? It seems not.
It’s just that if two people live with each other in a state of sluggish military conflict, they feel like they are in a cage and scandals become routine - isn’t it better IN SUCH A CASE to give each other a chance to try to find personal happiness again?
And if one of the spouses beats, mocks, turns life into hell?
And if the attraction disappears - well, it’s gone, that’s all?

Your initial problem is in this kind of thinking, and specifically in the fact that you are looking for reasons and justifications to destroy relationships and family, you are not looking for ways and options to save it. Most people, at first, incomprehensibly how and why they get married, and then, at the slightest problem, are ready to follow the path of least resistance - to give up everything and “start over” and history will repeat itself with a high degree of probability.

n"And if the attraction disappears, well, it’s gone and that’s it?" Is this your reason for destroying the family and ending the relationship?) This is just ridiculous) If you build a relationship on one hormonal love, which will pass sooner or later, and for For you, this is a reason to destroy your family, then you, in principle, do not need this family, you will jeopardize or destroy your life, the life of the man who will take you as his wife and you will jeopardize the life of your children if you have them.

[Greek10]

And if the attraction disappears, well, it’s gone and that’s it?

Marry by attraction? - A correctly asked question contains half the answer.

It’s just that if two people live with each other in a state of sluggish military conflict, they feel like they are in a cage and scandals become routine

Another consequence of frivolity.

And if one of the spouses beats, bullies, turns life into hell?

Wives used to imprison men for two years for this.
Everything you listed is a consequence of hasty decisions, a frivolous attitude towards marriage, maybe you’ll be lucky, don’t miss out on haste. Very often, due to prudence and self-interest (rich parents, Moscow registration, car, apartment, etc., and then the hunter/hunter turns into a victim, but he doesn’t tell anyone the true reasons for getting married, it’s easier to hide behind “love”) - that’s all characteristic of our time from the 2000s and above, hence the legs of the topic grow. Peskar has already written to you above, everything is very accurate.

[Bully Carrie]

in the generation of grandparents there was a minimal number of divorces, divorce was an exception, but now divorce is the rule

The fact is that in the USSR You couldn’t just go and get a divorce. The family was a unit of society, one of the foundations of statehood and was protected by the state (for what purposes is another question - military, economic, demographic, etc.) Therefore, you could only get a divorce through the court this time, if the court does not consider the arguments to be sound, then you will not be divorced - that’s two, over these few months the court, through party committees, trade union committees, trade unions, the public, etc., put pressure on saving the marriage - that’s three, even if the arguments are solid, they will give you time for several months - that’s four, well, the cherry on the cake - divorce is like a stigma a loser/loser in society is five.
So divorce in the USSR was a long and difficult process. It was not for nothing that there was a saying - if you endure it, you will fall in love

Not quite so. Families with children were divorced through the courts. Honestly, I don’t know of any cases where the court refused to grant a divorce. On what basis? Do you know such cases?
Party committees are only for party members, and in the USSR not everyone was communists. Yes, various high-ranking officials could have problems in their careers, that’s true. Or they might not have. (The legendary Marshal Zhukov? Marshal Konev?)
If one of the parties was against the divorce, then of course, she complained to the trade union committee or, if lucky, to the party committee.
And my question remains: to endure and fall in love, is this good? This is right?

[Mongoose]

And if one of the spouses beats, bullies, turns life into hell?

Definitely at least a divorce! ....(.minimum)

[BeachBunny]

grekko10, now a woman getting married is like going out for bread , if you don’t like it, you get divorced. Many perceive marriage and starting a family as an exciting, interesting and fun quest, a beautiful wedding, an unforgettable honeymoon, and a family is certainly a pleasure and an endless thrill, and if not, then why such a family. This is completely infantile, degenerate thinking.

[Greek10]

The majority at first do not understand how and why they get married, and then, at the slightest problem, they are ready to follow the path of least resistance - to give up everything and “start over” and history will repeat itself with a high degree of probability.

Why preserve and aggravate? You started calculating some problem and made a mistake in the calculation at the very beginning - no matter what you do in the middle and at the end, you will still get the wrong result.
How is the classic doing? "Getting married is not for you to go to the bathhouse" M. Zoshchenko

Sent after 3 minutes 18 seconds:

Many perceive marriage and starting a family as an exciting, interesting and fun quest, a beautiful wedding, an unforgettable honeymoon

About gifts were forgotten, a ring with a bridal ring, a fluffy dress, the envy of girlfriends, is in the spotlight before the wedding and after - modern wedding attributes.

[Bully Carrie]

In general, to summarize, the reason for the breakdown of first marriages turns out to be frivolity and self-interest.
In general, I was only thinking about frivolity, but you also suggested about self-interest. Fine.
I just don’t understand why you men began to condemn divorce so readily - I just felt like I was at that same mythical party meeting))) An interesting experience.

[BeachBunny]

Why preserve and aggravate?

To get married with the goal of having a strong family, you must initially have such a goal in mind. You need to live together for at least a year in the same territory with a common way of life in order to clearly understand what a person is like in everyday life, how he lives, what he breathes, this is not counting relationships before living together and no children until that moment.

[Mongoose]

The difference between a theorist and a practitioner? -The theorist knows what family life should be like. And a practitioner knows what family life really is like.

[BeachBunny]

Mongoose, how to say) I don’t have theory and practice diverges. If I wanted to be like the majority, I would have been married a long time ago and probably would have already been divorced.

[Greek10]

Mongoose, how to say) I have theory and practice do not diverge. If I wanted to be like the majority, then I would have been married a long time ago and probably would have already been divorced.

No, your theory and practice have not yet come together , so you haven’t been able to test your theory yet.

[BeachBunny]

grekko10, well, well, it doesn’t partially diverge, because At least I was smart enough not to marry an unsuitable, problematic girl.

[King Bird]

I almost got married several times due to sexual addiction. Yes, even after the army. Well, that’s what took me away as if by itself. True, two or three women hated me, but what can you do... If I had married one of them, there would definitely have been a divorce and alimony. That’s why I got married late, but with a cool head and clean hands. Once and for all.

[◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊]

Did I write that we should strive? It seems not.
It’s just that if two people live with each other in a state of sluggish military conflict, they feel like they are in a cage and scandals become routine - isn’t it better IN SUCH A CASE to give each other a chance to try to find personal happiness again?
And if one of the spouses beats, mocks, turns life into hell?
And if the attraction disappears - well, it’s gone, that’s all?

Your initial problem is in this kind of thinking, and specifically in the fact that you are looking for reasons and justifications to destroy relationships and family, you are not looking for ways and options to save it. Most people, at first, incomprehensibly how and why they get married, and then, at the slightest problem, are ready to follow the path of least resistance - to give up everything and “start over” and history will repeat itself with a high degree of probability.

n"And if the attraction disappears, well, it’s gone and that’s it?" Is this your reason for destroying the family and ending the relationship?) This is just ridiculous) If you build a relationship on one hormonal love, which will pass sooner or later, and for If this is a reason for you to destroy your family, then you, in principle, do not need this family, you will jeopardize or destroy your life, the life of the man who will take you as his wife and you will jeopardize the life of your children if you have them. n

divorce does not destroy a family... a family is destroyed by years of misunderstanding, indifference and betrayal, and divorce is salvation from this prison.
Mongoose correctly wrote to you about theorists and practitioners, get married at least once, and then return to this topic... all your reasoning is valid without personal experience))

[वीवान1971]

30 years of marriage, of course, there was a lot of good and bad. But for the last 7 years, the candy-bouquet period has returned and continues.

[◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊]

divorces are different.. sometimes it’s saving someone’s life.. even several lives.

and sometimes the death of several too

did that happen to you?.. tell me?

In general, to summarize, the reason for the breakdown of first marriages turns out to be frivolity and self-interest.
In general, I was only thinking about frivolity, but you also suggested about self-interest. Fine.
I just don’t understand why you men began to condemn divorce so readily - I just felt like I was at that mythical party meeting))) Interesting experience.

These are echoes of the Middle Ages.. when it was impossible to get a divorce, then it really was: “and only death will separate us.”.. but I think that more often and much earlier madness separated us in those days, because it is not possible to force yourself to live with the person whom you no longer love, don’t respect, and even hate... it’s easier to go crazy.
The fact of divorce triggers men, because most of them after a divorce are obliged to pay alimony, and this is a blow to the gut.. and it’s the same as money for these children it is easier to force your soul mate to endure and suffer for many years, to tie her to you with all your might, than to pay alimony and look for a new life partner..

[Alexey 997]

Marriage is hard work every day. In which, as a rule, two initially loving people participate. In which we must not only LOVE each other but also hear and respect. And then you will have candy bouquet periods for a very, very long time.

[etc]

Until a year, this is love!

Until a year, this is rather love). Love can come with time.

[Gudgeon]

◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊, It’s a pity. Well, I hope everything works out!

[Beluga]

You can rehearse everything 5 times and not even get to the performance itself, or you can play from the wheels so that everyone will be jealous. Impromptu is sometimes better even than with feeling and proper arrangement.

[Gudgeon]

So divorce in the USSR was a long and difficult process.

therefore they took marriage a little more seriously, but now yes,

get married I don’t like how to go out to buy bread - I got divorced

I also don’t see the point in such a marriage. We’ve known each other for a couple of months, we signed up on hormonal euphoria, we don’t really know each other, and we have no idea how we’ll live. And then

The first marriage is a rehearsal

It’s both funny and sad.

[◊_NeBo[_Na_]LaDoNi_◊]

I also don’t see the point in such a marriage. We’ve known each other for a couple of months, we signed up on hormonal euphoria, we don’t really know each other, and we have no idea how we’ll live. And then

The first marriage is a rehearsal

It’s both funny and sad.

why are we talking about one-day or one-month marriages? It seems that there is no such thing in the starttopic.. The hooligan asks to tell about her experience.. and it is very different for everyone.. My marriage, for example, lasted 15 years,
it can hardly be called one-day, even if one wants to.. and it was sudden too you can’t call it anything, it was a well-thought-out decision, as it seemed to us then, we dated for 1 year, lived together for 1 year, got used to it, and then just got married. It just happens that people become strangers to each other... we are just people, not gods, and we have the right to make mistakes.