D 19. When I was little, my dad left us. I went abroad and...

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When I was little, my dad left us. He went abroad and abandoned our family and me as a daughter. I didn’t know my father’s love and I missed it. Mom loved her father and could not look at another man. Only 10 years later she met a man, fell in love with him and brought him into the house. I hated her that she brought a man into the house and began to often break out of the house to clubs and drink a lot. I met a guy at a club and I really wanted sex, we came to his hotel and he stripped me naked and began to lead the charge towards sex. When he spread my legs, I began to hallucinate (I drank a lot) and it seemed to me that Pavel (my stepfather) was above me. I got scared and ran away. I came home very late and drunk, and my mother wanted to beat me, but Pavel stopped her. He picked me up and carried me into the room. He put me on the bed and asked if everything was okay and if anyone had offended me. I looked into his eyes and felt butterflies in my stomach. I took his hand and didn’t want to let go. He silently looked into my eyes for a long time and left. I couldn’t sleep all night, I saw a spark between us, I thought it was the effect of alcohol, but then it turned out that it wasn’t. In the morning he brought me breakfast in bed and my mother was at work. I asked why he was not at work but at home on a weekday (I was on vacation). He said I needed support and he would code me. I got scared and promised to stop drinking on my own. He believed me and I actually quit, and two weeks after this incident I quit smoking. I went to my grandmother for a week, I started my internship and we didn’t study. I knew my mother’s VK password and accidentally read how she complained to her friend that lately she and Pavel had no intimate life at all. I immediately closed the dialogue and tried to forget about it. All this week I thought about my stepfather. When I arrived home, he smiled and said that he was waiting for me. I spent the whole day at home reading a book and on my phone, then in the kitchen washing dishes I felt his gaze on me and when I was taking a shower he came in to wash my hands as if he didn’t notice me, all day I felt his gaze on me and one thought drove me crazy
The "torment" didn’t last long. A couple of days later, I saw Pasha choosing lace underwear on the website and paying for the goods, I immediately thought that he wanted to diversify his intimate life with his mother
I got terribly angry and untied that day I went to the club to drink. Mom worked the night shift that night. I came home late and Pasha hit me and said that I promised not to drink, he swore that he would code it. I hinted that there are reasons. He asked to name which ones. He held my hand and stroked my hair. I was wildly excited and for the first time I got so wet there. The room was half bright and I saw only his phantom and felt his breath. He called me a drunk and kissed me on the forehead. I got wildly excited and seemed to go crazy and reached for his lips. He threw me on the bed: You’re drunk! And he went to his room. I cried and waited for him to return. He stood near my door and asked if I was sleeping. I asked him to come in. I noticed he had a boner. He sat down next to my bed and kissed me on the lips. It so happened that intimacy occurred between us, when he finished, he whispered that he loved me like the first time. And he bought me underwear for my birthday. The next morning I felt terribly ashamed and I went to my grandmother. For three weeks. All this time he wrote to me on VKontakte, we communicated as if nothing had happened between us, as if it was a dream. We discussed books, music, films, exchanged funny photos. He wrote to me every second of his free time, we had so much in common and I realized that I had never loved anyone so much. And yes, I stopped going to clubs, meeting guys, smoking and drink. I have completely changed. I’m returning home tomorrow. I don’t know how to live further... Pain and shame are tearing apart my heart and soul. Don’t judge strictly. I’ll write a PM to good commentators